I woke in the morning to Cole climbing from the bed. “Babe? Where you going?” I mumbled.
“Bathroom,” he said and padded across the room. I felt muzzy and lay where I was, slowly becoming aware that I also needed the bathroom. It was frustrating because I thought I could go back to sleep if not for the increasing need to pee. The door opened and Cole climbed back into bed a moment later.
“You have to go, babe?”
I grunted. “I do.” I pulled him closer and molded myself to him.
“Well, go then,” he said with a chuckle.
“Want to stay with you,” I said while yawning. I did need to go, though. The need was getting worse. I was hit with cold air as he yanked the covers back from me. “Ah! Asshole! What are you doing?”
“You're awake now,” he teased. “Go to the bathroom.”
It was cold enough, or enough of a temperature change, that my skin was pebbling. “Asshole,” I muttered as I scuttled from the room and across the hall to the bathroom. After relieving myself I looked around for a glass and settled for cupping water with my hands for a quick drink. Must be dry air here. After drying my hands I popped back into our room and raced to get back under the covers.
He chuckled at me. “Feel better?”
“Jerk,” I muttered. “Warm me back up.”
“Yes, sir,” he said with a smile in his voice. Then he was kissing me forcefully, more so than he ever had. It was interesting to have him taking the lead, and I went with it. He slipped one hand behind my head to tangle his fingers in my hair, and the other he pressed to my back. I grabbed him similarly, and then he rolled on top of me. I sort of liked Cole being a little more assertive this time. Last time I'd been on top of him, so I was thinking we might head the same direction we had last time, but with our roles reversed. I let my hand wander down to his butt and discovered he was naked.
I smiled as we broke the kiss. “I feel set up.”
“Is that what you feel?” he asked, grinding into me.
I rolled over, pinning him, having to adjust because the bed was so narrow. We rolled back and forth a few times as we tried to stay pressed together and get my underwear off at the same time. It was a fantastic mess, so sexy, and I was fully awake and loving it. Cole flipped me back onto my back and settled on top of me with a satisfied expression.
“I've missed you,” he said suddenly, his voice soft and his expression tender.
“I missed you more,” I said quietly, reaching down to knead one of his cheeks.
“I want to do something to you,” he said softly.
Huh. I hadn't cleaned out. I mean, that's a requirement, I think. Plus I was thinking we should kind of talk and plan it out a little. I mean, I wanted to do him, too. Still, it was messing with my ideas of how things would go. Should I have brought the stuff Teo had given me? I'd decided not to, but maybe things were farther along than I realized.
I looked at his face. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You got this far away look on your face,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said, smiling at him. “I just...Teo gave me this box of stuff and I was going to talk to you about it. Maybe talk about taking a big step. In the bedroom. I wasn't sure we were ready, but if you're headed that way right now...and what about your grandparents?”
He blushed a little, and it pumped his pretty factor up to adorable levels. “You mean actual sex? You want to?”
“I thought we should talk about it,” I said, my voice a mere whisper and I stroked the side of his face. “I don't think it's one of those spontaneous things. Not entirely.”
“Okay,” he said just as softly. Reverential might be the right word to describe his tone. “We should talk, then. Not right now, though.”
I frowned. “I thought you might be, you know, getting ready for that right now.”
He grinned and shook his head. “Not yet. I mean, now I'm thinking about it, but I have a surprise for you.”
He hummed in the affirmative and resumed kissing me. I went with it, because why wouldn't I? He moved to my earlobe, which was a little tickly and weird to hear his heavy breathing so close to my eardrum. He moved down my neck and I actually giggled, but that didn't last as he moved down to my nipples. That felt good, and I let out a little gasp of appreciation. Okay, maybe more than one. Before I even registered that he'd moved I felt the wet warmth of his mouth on my dick and I groaned more loudly.
“Shhh!” he said, giggling as he did and placed a hand over my mouth. Then he resumed blowing me and I tried to bite back being vocal, but it felt so damn good! I spread my legs and he settled in more comfortably, though it didn't last long enough for him to become uncomfortable I don't think. I gasped his name and arched my back as he brought me past the edge.
He coughed and then joked, “Were you trying to choke me?”
“I'm sorry,” I said, breathless. “I got excited.”
He kissed his way up my stomach and chest and then settled on top of me, gazing down. “Not such a big deal if you weren't so big.”
I looked at him with a confused expression.
He blushed. “When you came. You arched your back. I thought you were trying to get your dick into my throat or something.”
I started to laugh. “No! You made me feel good. I wasn't doing any thinking at all!” I snorted and snickered and he giggled along with me. “Now it's my turn.”
We wrestled a little as I got him on his back, covers down by the foot of the bed somewhere. I grabbed his dick in my hand and he was telling me I didn't have to, that he'd wanted to do it for me.
“Cole,” I said sternly. “This isn't a favor or something. I want to suck your dick. I hope you like it. I hope I like it. Now lay back and let your boyfriend give you a blow job.”
“You like telling me what to do?” he asked with a cocky little grin. I responded by keeping my gaze locked to his and taking his cock in my mouth. His squirming and gasping were very satisfying, but secondary. I pushed his legs apart and pulled down on his nuts as I bobbed on his hard length. I didn't think I'd have the same problem he had, since his dick was more slender and shorter than my own, but I was wrong. He didn't have to thrust for me to cough a little on all the spend. Not very sexy, but I just got my boyfriend off, and I kind of just wanted to go right on sucking him.
“Stop, stop!” he said, wiggling under me and pulling on my shoulder.
“What?” I asked. “Something wrong?”
He pulled on my arm and I obliged by moving up his body. He said, “It's a little sensitive after coming,” he told me. His face was flushed and he was breathing hard, and right then was about the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was about to ask him if I'd done all right when there was a strangled curse from the doorway, and then the door closed quickly.
“Aww, fuck. Seriously?” Cole groaned.
I looked at the closed door and then back to him. “I think one of your grandparents just got a good view of my ass.”
“Yeah, and of us naked in bed together – although seriously, what did they expect?”
As it happens they kind of expected us to each use one of the beds. Personally I didn't think they were that stupid, but maybe they had hoped we'd at least try to fake not sleeping together. I had no shame about sex with Cole, though. I don't care who knows. Not only that – why were they opening his door like that? Got what they had coming to them, no pun intended.
After breakfast we showered and headed outside for a walk in the woods. The day was unseasonably warm – up in the low sixties. Something about a pressure system moving through – it would probably snow tomorrow or something equally shitty – upstate New York weather is kind of bi-polar. We walked through the wooded area behind the house, picking up sticks and whacking them against trees for no real reason. I told him about Monique and the things she'd said.
“You never dated before me, right?” he asked.
“Nope,” I confirmed.
“Good. After that conversation? All I'd be able to think about is some other guy with his hands on you. Make me all kinds of jealous.”
“Jealous?” I asked and laughed as he wrapped me in his arms.
“Yes, jealous!” He started kissing my neck and I giggled and tried to break away from him, but he was steadfast.
“What do you have to be jealous about? ‘Jealous,’ says the guy with all the experience.”
He leaned his back against a tree and pulled me in for a kiss. Leaning our foreheads together he said, “This is going to sound a little trite, but I know what loving someone feels like, now. Nothing was right with Haylee. She meant well, and I know she loves me in her way. Maybe if we'd been better as people...but no. This morning? I wanted to do that for you. I wasn't thinking about me wanting to try something or – nothing about me. I wanted to make you feel good.”
“You succeeded. I liked sucking your dick. I see a lot of blowjobs in your future,” I said with a giggle, and he joined me.
“I did, too,” he said quietly after a moment. “I wasn't sure I would. I mean, I kind of always thought blowjobs were meant to be enjoyed by the person getting one. You know?”
“Yeah. Seems like that's how you hear about them, anyway,” I agreed. I took his hand and we wandered some more, talking about potential futures, the box Teo had given me, how much he liked seeing everyone yesterday and how much he liked having me fall asleep on him the night before.
“I'm so sorry about that,” I told him. “I was so depressed without you. It was just a really hard week.”
“Hey, hey, no,” he said, shaking my hand. “I loved being there with you. Stroking your hair, feeling you relax on me. Dude, I loved it.”
I smiled at him in embarrassment. “Well, you do make a good body pillow. Smell nice, too.” I hesitated as a black thought crossed my mind. I decided to share it with him, though. “So. Um. You've commented a few times about my getting angry.”
“Yeah. You never used to, that I saw,” he said. He looked at me with curiosity. “Why?”
I sighed. “I never used to get that mad. Not until all this stuff came out about my parents. Since then, I get angry pretty easy,” I said. I looked him in the eye. “I've blacked out twice.”
“When you say blacked out...?”
“I mean I can't remember what happened, not all of it. Just a general idea. Once when I fought with my mother, and the other day with your grandfather at the school.” I frowned. “I'm not sure what to think about it.”
He frowned lightly. “You've been on a worse roller-coaster than I have. Worse, you've watched everything I dealt with on top of it. Maybe...a counselor?”
I frowned at him. “You think I need to go that far?”
He shrugged. “I don't feel like you'd get angry like that at me, but I get the feeling this anger isn't really you.”
I grunted. “I can get mad at you.”
“No doubt we'll piss each other off sometimes,” he said with a grin. He ran his fingertips along my cheek. “Please? Will you think about it?”
I let out a little sigh. “I'll go. I mean, I asked what you thought. I think...I have to do something.”
He grinned, and we came upon a creek. There were some colorful stones out near the middle, and even though it wasn't really warm, Cole and I took our socks and shoes off, rolled up our cuffs and precariously made our way out into the fucking cold water to pick out a few of the neat looking rocks. I mean, by the time we got back out I could barely feel my toes. We tried to shake them off a bit, then put our socks and shoes back on before heading right back to the house.
After warming up and listening to his grandparents tell us how dumb we were for sticking our bare feet into a creek in winter, we cuddled on the couch and watched TV with them. We played a game later in the afternoon. Cole had brought the copy of IT we'd been reading, so after dinner we curled up together and read the book until we were ready for bed.
I never thought that much about penis sizes before. Mine is bigger than Cole's, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. His fits perfectly in my mouth, and I really, really like that. Plus, it's fun to make him wiggle after, when he's all sensitive! As much fun as the sex was, it was the part that comes after that was sweetest. Lying on each other, playing with each other's hair, making small kisses or caresses as we saw fit. It was something that said that after the months of awkwardly getting closer, now we were comfortable together. No honeymoon phase, no last minute jitters.
Sunday we spent with his grandparents. We helped cook, played another board game with them, and talked to them about how long they'd been together and how they'd gotten through difficult times.
“It wasn't easy,” his grandmother said. “Your grandfather wanted even more children. I said no!”
She said it so forcefully that we both laughed hard.
“Well,” he said, hugging his wife. “You boys certainly know how hard it is to keep your hands off someone you love.”
“We're not all about that, though,” Cole said with a grin. “He listens to me. We share stuff – books, movies, talking about our future. Drew is thinking of being a nurse so he can help people.”
“Nurses save lives,” his grandmother said. “I was one for many years. You have an opportunity to advocate for patients – sometimes you end up saving them because a doctor has so many things going that they miss something. Nurses are vital.”
“You boys are good together,” his grandfather said. “I was a little surprised when you were dating that girl, Cole. I always had a feeling about you, that you would be just like your father.”
Cole's brow creased. “Why did dad get married and have kids then?”
“Oh, honey,” his grandmother said, patting his hand. “Times were different. We were given the worst possible advice by people we trusted that had an agenda. It broke our hearts to put your father through what we did, but we did it like a parent spanking a child – we thought it was for his own good. Girls could do some things boys couldn't, and your aunt was always strong-willed, so when she came out it was a small town scandal, but men liked the idea if not the reality of a lesbian. For your father...the poor judgments we made and the pressure around him was such that he pushed it down and tried to be who the thought the world wanted him to be instead of who he was.”
“I'm happy for you, Cole. I'm reminded of something I read somewhere,” his grandfather said. “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”
“By the way,” his grandmother said. “I'm very glad you boys have shared interests and are working together. But it's okay if you're handsy with each other – you're young; it's kind of your thing.” She cackled at what was I'm sure mutual blushing.
The following week brought a return to normalcy in that I could see Cole every day, I had a normal work schedule, and I resumed caring about my education as the school calendar rushed toward the winter break. Cole's family home was farther away, and that created some issues with getting together, but I could live with it for now. I stole his football jersey to wear, and we frequently borrowed each other's clothes.
The work to turn a garage into a living space wasn't all that long. It had started at the tail end of November – and with all the drama, Thanksgiving wasn't even a thing, really. Cole and I had our first fight the second week of December, and it was extra stupid because we had no control over the situation. I didn't want him to meet with his mother and grandfather because they were going to be dicks to him, but the judge was requiring it and was considering supervised visits for the mother.
I wanted to go with him, because fuck those people hurting my baby. Not only was it not allowed, but he told me he could take care of himself, and I argued with him. We ended up yelling at each other. It was awful. Brax told me to relax, because sometimes it was good to have a good shout and get things out. No one can be calm and just talk stuff out all the time. He told me he'd had fights before in his relationships, but this was a first for me, and I suddenly felt like things were very fragile.
We'd fought on Thursday and not spoken to each other a lot on Friday, the day he met with them in court. I wanted to know what happened and if he was okay, but I wasn't sure I'd be welcome to talk to him. Then he sent me a series of texts.
So I guess I'll just sit here.
All by myself.
With no one to cuddle.
I felt a wash of relief, laughed giddily, and replied with a huge smile on my face.
Oh, shut up. I'll get a ride from Teo.
Twenty minutes later I went into Cole's basement to find him on the couch with his arms toward me. I fell into them and squashed him to the couch, face buried in his chest.
“I missed you, too,” he said with a chuckle.
“I thought you were mad at me,” I told him.
“I was. I don't stay mad at you,” he said with a confused tone. “Babe. Babe, look at me.”
I rolled my head. “Smell good.”
He grabbed the sides of my head and lifted my face up, stretching my skin back. I bugged my eyes out and flicked my tongue from between my lips to make him laugh and he did. It was awkward.
“Were you thinking we were breaking up or something?” he asked, shaking his head.
“I was worried,” I admitted.
“We disagree sometimes, you know,” he said. “But I heard you. You said you wanted this to last. I'm not walking on you just because you're being overprotective.”
I growled. “They wanted to kidnap you.”
“We were in court!” he said, starting to laugh.
“And your grandfather attacked the deputies last time. Not exactly reassuring,” I told him.
He sighed and ran his fingers through my hair, forcing my head back again. “I didn't get it. I talked to my dad last night, and he kind of made me see your point of view. I'm sorry.”
I lay my head on his chest and sighed. “I just love you and want you safe. But thank you.” I hesitated. “So what happened?”
He placed a hand on my back and began to rub in small circles. “Total shit show. My grandfather starts lecturing me about what a man is and how my father was poisoning my mind. He told me I was unnatural and that it was all about choices and that I could choose to go live with my mother and get back on track.”
“Fucking prick,” I muttered.
“So first I told him being with my boyfriend was the most natural thing I'd ever felt, and then I told him that I was living with my father because he listened to me and recognized and accepted me for who I am.”
“What did he say?”
“My grandfather disowned me, then he walked out.”
“I'm...I'm sorry, Cole,” I said, pitching my voice softly.
He rubbed my back in response. “My mom...she was kind of mean, but she was crying, so it was hard to figure out how to feel. I don't like seeing her upset, not like that. She gets mad, okay I can handle that. Crying is harder. She kept trying to figure out what happened to me and said some mean shit about my dad. It wasn't a good scene.”
“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you,” I said.
He shrugged. “It wasn't allowed. My mom insisted it just be me and my dad, not you. I think you may be the only person she hates more than me right now. Apparently you turned me gay. That was her final conclusion.”
“I have super powers? I can turn pretty boys gay?” I teased.
“I'm not pretty! I'm manly!” he growled and tickled my sides. I laughed and wiggled around before trying to tickle him back. We ended up rolling off the couch and laughing on the floor. Eventually we settled in on the couch, watched a cartoon together, and talked about the future. We talked about the upcoming winter break and what each of us would like for Christmas.
A week later my new room was done, and everyone helped me move. It felt very odd. I was too used to my own space and had grown comfortable not having anyone in the same building as me. That night Cole and I hung out in my new room. Alessia and Brax were out roller skating, Teo and Ashley had gone to Beyond Boarders for a gaming night. Cole and I snuggled and streamed the two IT movies and talked about how they compared with the book. Between movies we went out to the kitchen and made brownies from a mix for something to snack on.
“How's things with the Petrakises?” he asked quietly.
“Okay,” I said. “Neither of them are completely sure what to do with me. They know I'm here temporarily until college, anyway. So far it's okay, though. Just getting used to it.”
As we headed back to my room he said, “So hey. My grandparents invited me to Florida for the winter break,” Cole said. “It's like seventy-eight and they live right near the beach.”
“You're going away?” I asked, disappointment in my voice.
He smiled and said, “They said I can bring a friend.”
I widened my eyes. “You better not have asked Brax.” I grinned. “I can't wait to see you in a swimsuit all the time. No shirt at all, right? Shall we make that a rule right now? 'Cole cannot wear a shirt in Florida, or anything to bed?'”
He looked back at me for a second. “I don't deserve you.”
I acted contritely. “I know. I'm a mess.”
He shook his head and gave me a half smile. “I mean relationships have kind of stunk for me. Left me feeling bad, fake. Like I was acting. You want me to be myself, and you're happy with who I am. What I look like. I didn't think being me would be enough.”
I jerked my head back. “Cole. You think you're not enough?”
“I don't. Not always. I can build up stupid things in my head, though. I feel better when we're together. My dad says it's because of the things from my mom and grandfather. All the shit we've been through lately. Now that it's calmer and I can just be with you....” He sighed. “Kind of makes me feel like shit and down on myself.”
I stared at him. “You're the prettiest guy I ever saw,” I told him and he started to shift away from me, but I moved over and sat on him so I could look down on his face. “You don't seem to like when I say that.”
He frowned. “Pretty is for girls.”
I leaned forward. “That's some bullshit right there,” I said, trying and succeeding in making him smile a little. “That's your mom talking, but I think you're beautiful. I think you're pretty. I love the way your cheeks have a flush to them most of the time. I love how your nose turns up just a little at the end. I love the way your hair looks a little bronze-like when the light hits it just right. I love your bright eyes, and they are the fucking prettiest thing I've ever seen.
“I like that you're not a muscle jock. I know you play football, but I'm glad you're not like those guys on the line. I like that your features are softer and more delicate, even if you're strong underneath that, because you're just as beautiful on the inside.” I smiled at him. “It's all that that makes me love you, Cole. I love that you're pretty.”
“You make it sound good,” he said, but frowned a little. “But guys are supposed to-”
“Let me stop you right there,” I said. “You're not 'supposed to' anything. You have nothing to prove to anyone, and you've already proven everything to me.” I leaned down and touched his nose with mine. “I want to give you things in life.”
“Yeah? Like what?” he asked with a little smile on his face.
“Like confidence. And blowjobs.” We broke down in giggles.
He wrapped his arms around me. “So. Want to come to Florida with me for winter break?”
“Don't be stupid. Of course I do,” I told him. “I want to be wherever you are. I didn't do so well the last time you left me alone for a week.”
He grinned. “Should we talk about that box Teo gave you?”
I tilted my head and looked down at him. He really was the prettiest guy I'd ever seen. Intelligent, fun to be with and we loved each other. Everything was so much better if Cole was involved, even the bad things were bearable. “Yeah. Let's talk about that box.”
So we did talk about that box and all the advice Teo had given me. Cole asked if I'd used any of it and I was mortally embarrassed to tell him about the time I'd tried to pretend he was doing me. He was very curious about what it had felt like, and we ended up having a talk that was by turns funny and sexy. We talked about doing all kinds of things, both seriously and joking.
“I'm going to point out your ass to people and say 'See that ass? I'm going to eat it,” I said to him and we both burst out laughing and ewwing a little.
“That sounds so weird,” he said. “You'd do that to me?”
“I'm going to do all the things to you,” I said with a grin. “All the things.”
It couldn't all be about sex and being in love, of course. But doing homework became easier with Cole in my life, even if he wasn't sitting next to me. Living with Teo and Alessia had some advantages that I hadn't thought of, which I might not have thought of as advantages before. Like I couldn't isolate myself and brood when Cole and I had a little disagreement – and I hated that. Sometimes it felt like the world was ending. As the weeks passed, though, I began to realize that what Brax had said was true – it was normal to disagree sometimes. I didn't have to like it, but it didn't mean something was breaking.
One benefit of Cole's grandfather disowning him was that his mother began to become less of a problem. Cole saw her a few nights a week, but he fought doing any overnights. He said he hoped she'd come to see him differently over time, because who he was included loving me and she needed to accept all of him. I was amazed how strongly he identified his life as being intertwined with mine, but I felt the same way.
A few weeks later school let out and we made our trip to Florida. We shared a set of headphones and listened to music on the way down. I was kind of scared of the flight, to be honest, and every time the plane shook I thought I'd crap myself. His grandparents only had a two room condo so there was no debate about putting one of us in a guest room and whatever. They actually teased in front of us that maybe one of us should sleep on the couch. Kind of cool attitudes for an older generation.
We spent our days hitting the beaches to swim and lie in the sun with our books. Sometimes we'd lie side-by-side and just talk, and then other times we were just content to be together whether it be on the beach, cooking with his grandparents or lounging with a movie. I loved going to the beach, helping each other with the sunscreen and running along the sand. The ocean water was cold, but we still went out in it every day. The water was shockingly salty – I mean, I knew it was, but to actually taste all that salt was amazing. I spent a goodly amount of my time just looking at Cole, who was sans shirt most of the time. He was getting the most delicious golden tan.
We spent time lying on deck chairs talking about the future. Cole was actually thinking about doing something with movies and was excited to talk about it, and I was pleased to listen. He'd already started looking at schools that had film degrees of different types and a nursing program so we could go together. It made me insanely happy that he was planning his future to go with mine.
We used the contents of the box a few times on that trip. It took a few tries for him to take me, just because I'm bigger than he is, I think. I know it wasn't a comfortable thing, not right away. It took a few days before he took me again, and we eventually got to a place where he was starting to feel some pleasure. My experience was a mix because he was naked and he felt so good, but seeing him grimace or the feel of him pushing me back with his hands made really enjoying it more difficult. The last time he took me, I spent a long, long time working him with my tongue – which is a new favorite thing of mine. I had no idea he could whimper. I can't describe how exciting it was to know I was making him make that little noise, and how sexy it was. That time...he took me with minimal issue and he swore it felt good. I know he felt perfect to me.
I didn't have as much trouble, but I wasn't about to say so. It was just a fact that he wasn't as large as I was, comparatively – I'm not a mighty oak by any stretch. Still, it was a learning experience but having used the toy before gave me confidence he didn't yet have. At first I felt some pain, but I looked up at him – at everything I collectively think of as Cole – looking down on me and I relaxed. I relaxed and it was like it had been when I'd gotten used to the toy in the shower – he fit, and it was good. While he was recovering from taking me the first few times, I took him – and just like he fit perfectly in my mouth, I had a new place he fit perfectly.
In fact, Cole fit perfectly in my life, even when we were both being imperfect.
So I used to believe that everything broke over time – entropy. Sometimes things do break so they can change into something better – like dating to marriage, perhaps. Sometimes, I guess, something breaks so you both can find something better – like with Cole and Haylee. But sometimes you dodge all that and you have some luck, some love and some hard work and you get a perfect confluence of events, as Brax once said.
I don't know if we'll make it to college or marriage. I do know I want this to last and I plan to stretch this confluence for every second I can with the prettiest boy I've ever seen.